detached

Thirteen months [almost] since my last log here and a long way since my first post here. I am still with same job but different assignment, same car but different modification. In saying that, I also went through different patches, been travelling several more times across the globe, few guys in and out of my life, moved house three times, bought my own home, successfully deactivated my Facebook account for almost 10 months now, started new hobby, and a new bf who is moving in with me. Two major changes in me that I really notice are:
1. I become emotionally detached over people and things in life
2. I learnt how to quickly decide whether what to keep and to let go which also relate to first point

Last week, a friend of mine was in a broke down state, he just got dumped by his gf for [no offend intended] a silly reason. Six zodiac [years] difference brings you bad luck, or so they say. Therefore her family forced her to dump him. Although at this stage, I kinda hope he can pick up himself quickly and moved on since he is experienced in getting dumped few times before but seems he's still appeared as a learner.

I kinda glad that I am emotionally detached now. If some family member told me to do something that I disagree, I would just walk away until they learn that everyone makes their own decision. And I just hope that I will still have the ability of being detached. I learnt that being attached to something [or someone] can be a very costly exercise when they're gone.

So yes, I am more important than anything else to myself.***

random act of kindness

The other night I went out to city to meet my broker and sign up some papers. I can't do it during business because I have my outlook full chock-a-block with several commitment, besides it would be easier for him as well so he can attend other clients during business hours. I met him at Starbucks cafe at haymarket as we usually have post dinner discussion over there. Pages after pages, reading these contracts can be really daunting. In no time, my hands started to get fill up with different papers of terms and conditions etc. Then at the end I signed the papers and collate my part and his part and packed up as the nights is getting late.

The following morning as I was getting ready to go to work. Shush... I can't find my wallet...!!! I swore at myself. I rang Al as he left early to see my mechanic for his car maintenance, he said he didn't see my wallet. I thought that living in big city like Sydney, I must be very careful. First thing that came into mind is that my bank cards security has been compromised. I cancelled all my cards within 10 minutes and I decided to drive to work anyway without wallet. Probably not a good idea as I don't have drivers license with me.

I goggled the phone number of the coffee shop and decided to ring them see if they see my wallet at all. To my relief, one of the cleaner found my wallet and the management kept it for me. They couldn't contact me because I don't have phone number in it but I confirmed my home address as stated on my ID's. I drove there during lunch time, make a dash and I'm glad that everything stays intact except for my license as they probably try to findout the owner of this pretty wallet.

I guess good thing are bound to happen. Although I don't really trust people after seeing what's on the news, but whenever I found phones, wallet, keys at random places like gym, parking lot, library, and I always made sure that these items goes back to the rightful owner. And this time is my turn... It has restored my trust with humanity.***

Settling it less for more

I wouldn't say life is fair. But oddly enough sometimes I find it strange that guys with good look, nice in the eye but pain in the arse, whilst guys with less good look are just fine in the eyes and wonderful in their heart. Name it skinny bitch or fat jolly, you cannot be fat bitch, no one gonna like it.

I admit that I have been quiet shallow with my choices of boys. There's a specific look that I after from the boys for me to date. Chloe always said, good looking people [generally] trying to find other people that are better looking than themselves so you'll be just as good as a stepping stone. Then I pointed at myself. "Babe, we are probably just an exceptions, we just not into weird boys". But then again by being shallow, probably the very reason why I am still single and also the fact that I am actually enjoying the single life and the dates that I can go with.

A few months ago I dated this boy, I'd say just at the limit of someone I can date with. Yes I know I am such a douche. But anyway, I thought that'd be one of those one date and I can disappear as usual. As strange as it is, he's been so persistence to meet me more. Forget about his look, but he's probably the nicest guy I have ever met. He's willing to go above and beyond, he'll fly, he'll drive, he'll cook, he walk the dog with me, he teach me how to tame my dog, a very broad knowledge for the kind of job he has, and a world traveller too. Everything just started to etch me away. It scares me sometimes that I simply switch off everything [phone, mail, skype, facebook, etc] so I don't have to have a conversation with him for the entire day. But it just didn't stop him.

Shall I just settle it with this guy instead? I mean he's really nice loving and caring, but there's something still holding me back to give myself away. I am not sure what it is, it gives me sleepless nights. Could it be because I still haven't sexually attracted to him, or I still love my freedom being single, or maybe I still have a baggage that I still haven't unpacked yet. If I do settle it with him, I know I will be well taken care of, but it is unfair the fact that I am unable to give him back equally. WHat to do...***

"L" word

love |ləv|nounan intense feeling of deep affection
verb [ with obj. ]feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone)
It is such a powerful word. But for an odd reason, I still unable to use the word. I haven't used it for a very long time. I never said it to mum. I still unable to use the word to my past few dates. Even one of my dates been using the word several times in every phone calls and when we said good bye at the end of the dates. I still couldn't say it back to him.

I have been avoiding to use the word. I don't wanna mis-use it either. I'd rather to show how I feel in my action instead of putting it in words. Or maybe I am just not ready to use the word. It could be that I am just happy being alone. I finally found my own rhythm and rhyme well with my single life. I enjoy it. In fact, I accomplished a lot more being single. Maybe because all of decision I made only need myself to consult with. Therefore I have been moving in the right track. Yes I discuss options with friends, but ultimately I go with whichever my gut feel say.

Whether I am ready to have a new partner or not, or I am just too scared and the word just doesn't grow in me. The fact is, I still cannot say the word. I need to learn more, or maybe meet a person who can gives the courage to say it.***

Politically incorrect, go away drunk boy...!

My housemate has been bringing few dates home lately. It really doesn't concerns me as long as he's happy and not affect my life. I am fine with that, besides, sometimes I brought boys home too. But one night, we both happened to bring boy home and things getting hmmm... how should I say, awkward.

Honestly I kinda find his boy is cute. Yes, it's just a thought that I kept in my head. The third time this boy visit, my housemate does not seem very happy about it because the boy is total drunk. Eighteen bottles of beer in a span of 3 hours during working night is just not cool. Especially when we have to wake up early to go to work on the following morning. When he's half sober [I never seen him fully sober so far], he's quite intelligent as we always have argumentative discussion over current politics [and election], science, books, even to Galileo and his daring books that brought him to trial prior to inquisitions. But when he's drunk, I am not sure if he can find his way to the toilet.

Back to his third visit, he was drunk. My housemate won't speak to him and I happened to be doing my Tuesday night ritual [family guy-american dad show] and he ended up sitting next to me in living room. after his 12 bottles of beer he started to turn sleazy. Yes he's cute, Australian-born-British, blonde, the type that I like and we have common interest. "Aaaaargh...!!!" as much as I wanna let him to do me, I know this is totally wrong. It's hard for me to resist myself from the temptation especially when he started to molest me. Terrible in kissing [probably because he's drunk], and he has put his hand like everywhere despite I try to refuse him all the time he still manage to find his way under my pyjamas.

"That's it, NO...!", I exclaim. "but why...?", he beg. "This is politically incorrect, and of all people you should know this better, you're my house-mate's date and I don't know why don't you just hop on to him instead of trying to put your hands in my pants, and I choose to keep my friendship over you". I decided to snuggle to Al's bed to make a drunk boy to sleep with him as I know he will follow anyway. I waited till both of them snores and I sneak back to my bed. Sigh, this is just one of the many drama I have to experience with boys lately. Ah, such a shame I didn't know this boy first. And why do I always get trapped in such situation.***

Parents, they think they're at fault

It has been a while since I post anything here. My life is getting busier with work. I need my lazy weekend back, and just for the sake of doing nothing. Few boys been in and out some are not working out, others just meh... But I trully enjoy being single in the past few months. It really makes me focus in life better and sort my priority right and I have been making strategic decisions in life too.

Two months living with Al, seems everything went well so far. I even met his entire family. Obviously they don't know the fact that I am gay, otherwise I would have to move house again. Fact that they knew Al is gay, and they are in denial. During 10 days of their stay with us, I always sat with his mum for breakfast and dinner [everyone obviously fall in Indo time zone, even Al]. It's strange that his mum seems to get along well with me. She told me how Al grew up without parents after Jakarta riot in late 90's and she decided to evacuate all of her children to Singapore. It seems that she blame herself for not being around and how she can't really advise him to go back home and how Al turned gay [her version] although she did not say it out loud for the later part.

I really don't know what to say to stop her from blaming herself. But then again, it maybe just the nature of being parents. Whenever they see their children off track [to their perspective], they think they are to blame. Yes, maybe when it has something to do with things that are morally wrong such as cutting the queue line, or stealing other's rights, or anything else that harm the society, then clearly the parents hasn't done enough in educating their children. But what about the way of life or career of choice or even where one's want to live. Parents are not to blame nor to blame themselves. And being gay is neither a choice, but typical Asian parents are still in denial. All in all, we can only do so much with what we have.***