Settling it less for more

I wouldn't say life is fair. But oddly enough sometimes I find it strange that guys with good look, nice in the eye but pain in the arse, whilst guys with less good look are just fine in the eyes and wonderful in their heart. Name it skinny bitch or fat jolly, you cannot be fat bitch, no one gonna like it.

I admit that I have been quiet shallow with my choices of boys. There's a specific look that I after from the boys for me to date. Chloe always said, good looking people [generally] trying to find other people that are better looking than themselves so you'll be just as good as a stepping stone. Then I pointed at myself. "Babe, we are probably just an exceptions, we just not into weird boys". But then again by being shallow, probably the very reason why I am still single and also the fact that I am actually enjoying the single life and the dates that I can go with.

A few months ago I dated this boy, I'd say just at the limit of someone I can date with. Yes I know I am such a douche. But anyway, I thought that'd be one of those one date and I can disappear as usual. As strange as it is, he's been so persistence to meet me more. Forget about his look, but he's probably the nicest guy I have ever met. He's willing to go above and beyond, he'll fly, he'll drive, he'll cook, he walk the dog with me, he teach me how to tame my dog, a very broad knowledge for the kind of job he has, and a world traveller too. Everything just started to etch me away. It scares me sometimes that I simply switch off everything [phone, mail, skype, facebook, etc] so I don't have to have a conversation with him for the entire day. But it just didn't stop him.

Shall I just settle it with this guy instead? I mean he's really nice loving and caring, but there's something still holding me back to give myself away. I am not sure what it is, it gives me sleepless nights. Could it be because I still haven't sexually attracted to him, or I still love my freedom being single, or maybe I still have a baggage that I still haven't unpacked yet. If I do settle it with him, I know I will be well taken care of, but it is unfair the fact that I am unable to give him back equally. WHat to do...***

"L" word

love |ləv|nounan intense feeling of deep affection
verb [ with obj. ]feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone)
It is such a powerful word. But for an odd reason, I still unable to use the word. I haven't used it for a very long time. I never said it to mum. I still unable to use the word to my past few dates. Even one of my dates been using the word several times in every phone calls and when we said good bye at the end of the dates. I still couldn't say it back to him.

I have been avoiding to use the word. I don't wanna mis-use it either. I'd rather to show how I feel in my action instead of putting it in words. Or maybe I am just not ready to use the word. It could be that I am just happy being alone. I finally found my own rhythm and rhyme well with my single life. I enjoy it. In fact, I accomplished a lot more being single. Maybe because all of decision I made only need myself to consult with. Therefore I have been moving in the right track. Yes I discuss options with friends, but ultimately I go with whichever my gut feel say.

Whether I am ready to have a new partner or not, or I am just too scared and the word just doesn't grow in me. The fact is, I still cannot say the word. I need to learn more, or maybe meet a person who can gives the courage to say it.***

Politically incorrect, go away drunk boy...!

My housemate has been bringing few dates home lately. It really doesn't concerns me as long as he's happy and not affect my life. I am fine with that, besides, sometimes I brought boys home too. But one night, we both happened to bring boy home and things getting hmmm... how should I say, awkward.

Honestly I kinda find his boy is cute. Yes, it's just a thought that I kept in my head. The third time this boy visit, my housemate does not seem very happy about it because the boy is total drunk. Eighteen bottles of beer in a span of 3 hours during working night is just not cool. Especially when we have to wake up early to go to work on the following morning. When he's half sober [I never seen him fully sober so far], he's quite intelligent as we always have argumentative discussion over current politics [and election], science, books, even to Galileo and his daring books that brought him to trial prior to inquisitions. But when he's drunk, I am not sure if he can find his way to the toilet.

Back to his third visit, he was drunk. My housemate won't speak to him and I happened to be doing my Tuesday night ritual [family guy-american dad show] and he ended up sitting next to me in living room. after his 12 bottles of beer he started to turn sleazy. Yes he's cute, Australian-born-British, blonde, the type that I like and we have common interest. "Aaaaargh...!!!" as much as I wanna let him to do me, I know this is totally wrong. It's hard for me to resist myself from the temptation especially when he started to molest me. Terrible in kissing [probably because he's drunk], and he has put his hand like everywhere despite I try to refuse him all the time he still manage to find his way under my pyjamas.

"That's it, NO...!", I exclaim. "but why...?", he beg. "This is politically incorrect, and of all people you should know this better, you're my house-mate's date and I don't know why don't you just hop on to him instead of trying to put your hands in my pants, and I choose to keep my friendship over you". I decided to snuggle to Al's bed to make a drunk boy to sleep with him as I know he will follow anyway. I waited till both of them snores and I sneak back to my bed. Sigh, this is just one of the many drama I have to experience with boys lately. Ah, such a shame I didn't know this boy first. And why do I always get trapped in such situation.***