nomad

minutes before landing in denpasar

I am nomad once more. Well, by the time I wrote this log, I have had eights connecting flights already. This is the second overseas backpacking I made in less than 3.5 months. Too much? Maybe for some. I have to scrap the plan to go rio carnival with CJ. I waited too long that I couldn't get accommodation during the festival. Ah well, on the bright side, I can visit mum instead. At this stage, I think I begin to have the dictionary that translate to whatever she says only means "son, I love you too" or "I'm just concern" or "I just want you to be happy". It's just the way we express it or perceived them in different way.

damn you coconut

I didn't really do much at home but helping to proof read my brother's thesis. He's lazy ass when it comes down to writing that reminds me we wrote our undergrad thesis together. I proof read his as well as my own. Glad that I can help at least. I don't wanna complain but just suck it up. It's life.

Apart from that, I helped my brother and mum to clean up graves. Just three of us. Started from dad's then all my grandparents. Dad's and Grandma's grave seems still fresh, the wood sign has gone eaten by termite but mom says we cannot put stone until a thousand days. Not sure why, it seems that I'm the only one who doesn't understand the tradition. Of all people, I should know since I travel really well.

old pics with mum

I tried to climb the shortest coconut tree because I want the water in it. Refreshing because for whatever reason the water is cooler than what we have in the house.

I left mum and give her a big hug before I flew. She seems to get used to with me not around then dad then my brother. One tough job I guess.***

New Chapter

So, I am single and available now [This is not an advertisement for everyone's record]. Time to move on, I started to filter out who are my true friends and I intend to keep them. I removed over than 200 people from my Facebook account and I think the number [of people I remove] will keep expanding. I found B2 is a bit cold since two days after new year, something has definitely happened I just don't know what. I hope things are alright.

In th mean time, I have this gut feeling that something is not right but what's disturbing is I don't know what it is as it could be anything. I usually have a really sharp senses with these kind of thing. I messaged mom and she sounds alright, I am not sure if it has something to do with work, but it could be something else. What I'm afraid is, what if it is something really important.

On the side note, HR forced me to take a month worth of leave by the end of February. I don't even have a solid plan. For once I'm lost as to where do I wanna go this time and the clock is ticking. I randomly choose the date which is in less than 10 days now. Initially I was thinking of Korea [and around] or USA-South America, but when CJ contacted the hotel, they're out of bed and I don't wanna be in Brazil by myself without friend. My Brazilian friend suggested me not to travel alone over there. She has a point tho, not to be afraid, but to be prudent. Totally two different things. Uh Oh, what to do what to do... :(. Well at least I get to start the new chapter by traveling. Potentially solo, and it will gives me some alone time for a bit and see the world again with a better perspective. Ah that's it, time, it is gonna put everything back to perspective.

giant rubber ducky is attacking Darling Harbour :D

closing chapter

I started this blog jus a little bit over than a year, over 45000 hits, I never expected that. The very reason I started this blog is that I needed something to do with my break up and pour my story or sometimes with just photos here, for the sake that I don't wanna burden people with my problem and I still have a place to channel it.

I made a few trips, meeting people, tried to date a few guys hoping that there is someone out there for me, none of them working out. Feeling down and thinking that this is not fair. I went to a point that I tried to accept the fact and thought that I am probably destined to be alone. But I can see it clearer now. I was the real problem.

No, wait...! that's not right. rephrase. The way I tackled [failing] relationship was the real culprit. Danny may say "you should love yourself more before you love your partner" because when that special someone leave, you still can move on easily. Y may say "never build your life around someone else", because when that speical someone leave, your life will be hollow and easy to break. But I think it's combined of both. Live life on the edge. Build life solid for yourself. Keep some part for special someone to grasp, and some part for friends and family to hold on to. Love yourself but also love others. Treat people the way you want them to treat you.

It must have been difficult too for J when he realised that his feeling towards me changed over time and shifted to someone else instead. I would probably don't know what to do if I were in his shoes. Trying to break up with me when we had no fundamental issue. We didn't build our life around each other, I have mine and he has his. When the feeling is gone I guess it's gone and I couldn't deal with it at the same pace, the balance has tipped. I don't know the reason why B choose to lie to me, but clearly he has fear that I will leave him. The reality is I left as soon as I found out that he's been lying to me. Had I learnt the truth earlier, things may be different but now I can't even be bothered to be friends with him, not worth it. Lesson I learnt, I didn't build my life around him, I love myself more, I still hang out with my friends, I dealt with it within a week. If dealing with failed relationship is a job, I deserve a bonus this time.

Closing this chapter, probably I was ready a few months ago, that's when I started to write less here and have a deep conversation with myself instead. I am ready for whatever next that comes my way. I will still compromise. Keeping everybody happy is impossible, so some of them will just have to deal with it. But one thing I know, I wanna be surrounded by the people who love me.

Casts [in alphabetical order]
AA- uni friend
AB - Chloe's twin brother
Al - the neighbor
AP - ex housemate
B - mr doctor
B2 - another boy
Chloe - work colleague
CJ - gay friend
Dee - housemate
J - the ex bf
JL, JN - uni friends
Seb - gay best friend
Y - best friend
***