my story

Scrolling my posts and found this, it was something I drafted while waiting in the airport in February! But my laptop ran flat of battery hence it ended up in draft. I thought it is worth finishing and posting it.

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04.02.12. At the airport, again. It was 16 months ago the last time I see mum. And today, here I am, in the airport again, departing to see mum. I have been running away from family for [I lost count the years by now], well more like from reality. I was so tired playing multiple role figure in the family after the complex relationship between mom and dad. After things gone better, I decided to pack my bag and leave. This is one of my runaway story.

two dollars [source]

When I got the scholarship announced, I used up all my savings to get my one way ticket, filling up my rucksack with cheap pasar malam clothings as long as I could survive, and there I was left with 500AUD cash in my pocket. Mum thinks it was a daring move, but I said goodbye to mum and flew away. "There's a problem with your scholarship administration, so we cannot transfered the fund to your bank account for coming 4 weeks", the coordinator for scholarship broke the bad news. Sigh, how am I gonna survive with AUD500 for four weeks include paying rents, bills, food, and transport (I can abandon phone I guess)? I asked to myself.

But I did it, haha... I survived because my classmate saved me when he overheard my conversation with the scholarship coordinator, we stayed together and that first month I only pay rent and owe him the bond money. He covered my bond money until I got the scholarship transfered to my account. My rent back then cost $100 per week, leaving me with $100 to live for coming 28 days. I bought a $1.98 white bread and nutella for my breakfast, I piled up one box of Indomee (40 packs), dozens of eggs, one bag of cheapest 2 kg rice I could get, and only take a bus going to uni (dun wanna b late; travel 10 cost $14 for concession) and walk home at the end of the day more like after 9 pm. So yah, I lived that living under $2 per day for whole four weeks. Oh there's one time I actually owe to the restaurant owner a lunch money, because I couldn't afford it. The owner is a couple indo-malay husband-wife, I paid them back the $$ I owe them when I got the fund transferred.

Weeks after that I started to get busy with uni life. It works out quiet well, I got part time job, and work for some professors for their consulting work$ [extra ca$h] and during low consulting seasons, I work for RTA's contractors by counting how many cars passing by intersection or turning (lef or right). It was interesting job, I even got picked up a few times when sitting on the corner of the road with my safety vest on which confused my housemate. As for personal life I tried to be straight. No, I wasn't confused. I know I am different since I was six years old, but with the fucked up family I don't even know what's normal family like. Growing up in the culture where male having ear pierced is a serious bad sin, I had that thought my family would not love me if I am gay. But it just doesn't work. To the point that, Fuck this...!, I dun care about the world anymore, I am gay and I am who I am. I then start cutting myself off from my family.

I hardly call mum even until now. It's just because that means I had to talk to dad and bro as well and they always demand more things from me, I had to listen to mum's whining everyday, and listen to my older brother's never ending problem. I'm just tired of those, I have my life too. Besides, I still can't manage to bring myself to tell mum that I am gay which means I still have to avoid those questions "when are you going to introduce a girl to us?". I don't think she knows me well but I know her like the back of my hands. And yes, I've been on the run.

I always wanted mum and bro ask me question like "are you happier there?" instead of "it is forbidden to wear earring" [wait until I wear men as my accessories] or "can I have some money?" or "when are you coming home?". No, I don't wanna go back, I was never happy there and no one care about it. ***