boys from the past pt2

Continuing this post

Boy 3: He's hot, sex was mind blowing, but after he told me that I have a bad personality. Hmm... no, that's unforgivable the fact that he thinks that way but he only seek out for me for so called "fun" which mostly I refused when I was still single. Totally I refused him when I was with J and still coming back for more when I broke up with J. But seriously, he kept emphasising me as an amazing friend only to find out that in his opinion I have bad personality with negative attitude underneath this sexy body. This is just ro-donkey-lous to the max. I find it really despicable. I dono what to say really but to wish that his new bf will learnt what kind of person he is. Yap that's right, Boy 3, I know you're reading this.

Boy 4: He's hot, I am not sure why we never worked out. He met someone else along the way whilst I met J. The feeling didn't grow and just stop there the moment we met someone else. Despite we had our own relationship, we're still in contact, catch up lunch from time to time. When he broke up, I was there trying to comfort him. He was devastated, he managed to pick up himself little by little. Until three months later J dumped me. This turn, he was there for me and listen to my stories. Now, we're still friends, we occasionally have catch up lunch together, share our stories. What's interesting is, we don't have mutual friends. But I guess I don't need many friends, I only need real friends afterall. I hope you read this Boy 4.***

boys from the past

I'm not sure what's going on in the last few weeks. Whether it's the gloomy wet weather, the month itself, or it's just coincidence. But suddenly boys I used to date in the past suddenly re-appear in my life. There're ones who decided not to contact me anymore after coping with my rejection, ones who rejected me but still to find me only to seek some sex but I decided not to refuse, and ones who are still in good terms with me despite whatever happened in the past.

Boy 1: So, this boy I refused to be in relationship with was far too young for me and without my feeling grew on him, I don't think I can proceed forward. That's mainly the reason why I refused and I told him as it is. He decided not to talk to me anymore even if we bumped at each other on the street which I agreed. Two and half years later [last week] he suddenly text me and say that he's going to New York as he got in to NYU for exchange. I congratulate him for it. The next thing he ask was "Aren't you going to meet me to say good bye?". I thought, hmm two and half years not talking and suddenly wanted to see me for dinner to farewell him as he is going to be away for only one year, this is awkward, but I agree anyway. That dinner after french class last wednesday was really awkward, I really dono what to say but saying "have a good time in NY...! and take care" then I drove off.

Boy 2: He refused me after we dated for about two months. Sex was alright, but then one day he suddenly decided that I am not allowed to contact him anymore. Huh? So strange. Later I foundout that apparently at the same time he's also dating someone else. Errr... for some reason, I didn't really care when I foundout. So we split separate way, we don't talk to each other. I knew who his bf is as my friends told me about it. Sometimes I feel this society is so small that everybody knows everybody. One day I bumped to his bf in midnight shift night club, and he was totally drunk. So awkward as I knew who he is, he doesnt know who I am, and he kept trying to get his hands into my pants. I left the club, somehow he found my facebook and got my number from some one else. They are apparently having a fight that day and three days later both of them messaged me to have a date with me.

A'a.. Nah, this is not happening. I refused both of them. I told both of them that they have a relationship and I will not come in between. If they have issues, they shall solve it together. And never to date me just to make the other party jealous. Of course I kept secret to each other as I replied their message. Youth, the bf of Boy 2 is actually younger than him. I still bumped to him two weeks ago in the club, he was sober tho but I can sense his wild eyes trying to get to date with me. I really must stay away from troubled couples.

to be continued on next post.

cosplay fetish

I don't mind to sleep with this kurosaki ichigo in that cosplay. I'll play the victim of his vaizard form. hehehehe [the slut side of me] But first, I'm gonna rip my abs again and remove these stupid stubborn baby fat on my tummy.

My exercise plan from here, do cardio twice a week [gonna force myself on this one]. The aims, one: to improve my stamina as snow season is coming, I need to catch up with everyone else on the slopes, two: to get my abs ripped like ichigo san, [still drolling over this picture]

Since dr B is moving out from next door, I think this is a good time to do cardiovascular exercise by myself and I will find lifting in the gym become so boring if I do it alone [still drolling over this cosplay] I really should stop staring at the picture, time to sleep.***

I have not changed

The other night some guy just told me the reason why he said that he wasn't looking for a relationship with me on the first time we met, it's because I have a bad personality. Say whaaaaat...? hmm, I didn't even tell him much about myself, the conversation was all about him and his hobby, how does that make me having a bad personality.

As the conversation move forward and became awkward, so I started asking him what makes him think that I have a bad personality. The answer I got was another accusation saying "self-pity...! that kind of attitude that I hate from you". Errr... when someone call me something I don't think I am not, I believe I deserve an explanation for the sake of: ONE, I can defend myself for above the accusation, and TWO, If the accusation was true, it'll be a positive input for me to change. Or maybe that's just what I think.

I may be a bitch, because you gave me a reason to bitch. I may be a rant-er, but I am not a complainer and yet I am a fighter. I may be negative, but only from time to time when I got bad news one after another. I may like looking back, but I also learnt something from it. I may be sarcastic, but I deliver the message. I may have changed, but no I've stop trying to please your ass.***

sound-boarding

yeh, sound-boarding, it's not typo. I was just listening there and not giving opinion and I was all ears. I was just sound-boarding. Listening to AB's stories during my coffee break, I find it amusing. It just reminds me of myself in the old days when I first explore what is this gay world about. I wasn't fully all ears sometimes, I just gave him story of my experience as well.

The fact that AB eventually came out to me few weeks ago, it gives me another gay friend at work whom I can talk to over coffee break, away from the work subject itself. And more importantly, we can check out guys together without feeling awkward. So, tomorrow coffee break must be an hour later than today, as we saw this cute guy in grey shirt whom we guess is working in the analytical unit. The guess is based on the people he's having coffee with. Let's see if I can snap a picture of him next time. A replacement of the cute barista for my eyes I suppose, since I haven't seen him these days.

Coffee break ends, back to work***

vivid sydney 2012

After battling with wet weather, I finally decided to go and see vivid sydney 2012 in the rain. Well, that's a change I guess [in a bad way]. The ranting, it was wet, my leather boots got soaked in water but this is better than wearing sneakers, I'll be trenched wet. But the worst was I made the greatest mistake a photographer could ever made, I left my camera battery on the charger at home. Sigh... Not given up yet, I use my big umbrella and set out with an iPhone camera instead, here's some pics

an embarrassment subject

M: "hey A what's your plan? I wanna see vivid Sydney this year"
A: "I'm going to see vivid Sydney tonite"
M: "wah a coincidence, can I tag along?"
A: "I'm going with my friends, so you cannot tag along"

.......

M: "I haven't watched the avengers, wanna watch with me?"
B: "I'm watching it tonight with my friends"
M: "can I join? I promise to come alone and late so you don't have to intro me"
B: "no, you can't join, because I'm watching with my friend"

.......

M: rrrriiing.... "hey, let's go out for a drink"
C: "I am having one with D"
M: "where?, I'll join up"
C: "sorry M, but I'm with other friend as well, so I can't"
M: "oh"

.......

Don't blame me if I become cynical, but those responses are just so mean. I dono how else to react. Am I a subject of embarrasement for them? I don't look ugly, I tend to be quiet and observant among people I just met because I don wanna say things I shouldn't say. They need a better excuse than that. Like seriously, the only time they ring me is when they want something from me.***

can I hide?

I dunno what's going on, it seems things that I really really want are [just] not working out. Seeing everyone else have it made me feels so desperate because I [maybe] envy of what they have and I still cant get. Envy, one of the seven deadly sin. Oh wait, I don't think I envy them tho. Because envy is not only resent that another person has something they perceive themselves as lacking, but also wish the other person to be deprived of it. And I don't wish the latter one. I want them to be happy too, maybe I am just disappointed after the effort I've put and yet it doesn't get me anywhere. If this is keep going, I may eventually reach a point where I commit envy.

When things doesn't work out I feel like hiding away from the world. I thought "Can I just hide under my blanket and never to come out?" But after Tuls said about ju-on, then I dowan my blanket anymore. I need another place to hide.***

roll eyes

"Would you buy this?", a friend asked me for opinion. Not wanting to discourage him I didn't say a word. But I thought someone should show him how to choose a proper clothing style that does not come with expensive price tag. [and it's not gonna be me]. I always disagree with spending so much money on branded items, because the lesser expensive one may look as good or even better for some [I said some, not everyone]. "So, would you buy this?", he asked again. I then say, "I wouldn't, but don't take my word, it's just that it won't look good on me, and the theme just doesn't get along with what I already have".

Sometimes I choose not to respond with words instead. But in silence, I accidentally roll my eyes. I need to practice more in my loud silence skill so I wont be so obvious like this little potato kid.

rising sign

Pascal: "M, quel est ton sign astrologique?"
Me : "Mon sign astrologique est verseau"
Pascal: "ah the water bearer"
Stephanie: "M, quel est ton ascendant?"
Me : "hmm... qui est qu-ce ascendant?"

So I went home and did some research on this thing called the ascendant of my zodiac. The ascendant or the rising sign it's apparently the zodiac that shape your personality. The Zodiac ("Circle of Animals") is the name given to the band encircling the earth on either side of the ecliptic, the Sun's path. but the ascendant is something that gives personality to your zodiac, otherwise everyone who are born under the same zodiac will be identical. So after some research, here's the ascendant definition:

The Sign rising over the horizon at the time of your birth is the Ascendant, or Rising Sign. This changes every two hours, approximately. Even twins born as little as five minutes apart could have different ascendants, which would make a real difference in their horoscopes and so in their personalities. 

And I did put my details to find out what is my ascendant, apparently I am aquarius with scorpion personality. Now I am scared of myself after reading the description. I sounds like a nasty person. X( It says:

Your psychological nature is bilious with aggressive impulses that spur the transformation of your being and of any situation you are involved in. You are constantly struggling to assert yourself. You cannot refrain from testing others with cutting remarks, not because you want to hurt them, but because you want to know them better through their reaction; life and the feeling of aliveness are experienced through rebellion and tension. Your aggressive attitude may equate with sly inquisition as often, you remain silent, introverted and secretive, mulling over turbulent thoughts in the depths of your mind, leaving others puzzled by your quite strange behaviour.

With this Ascendant, you come across as secretive, powerful, dominating, enduring, intuitive, assertive, charismatic, magnetic, wilful, daring, clear-sighted, passionate, creative, independent, vigorous, generous, loyal, hard-working, persevering, indomitable, possessive, shrewd, stubborn, ambitious, instinctive, tenacious, sexual, sexy, proud, intense and competitive. But you may also be aggressive, destructive, stubborn, anxious, tyrannical, perverse, sadistic, violent, self-centered, complex, critical, cruel, nasty, jealous, calculating, vulnerable and dissembling.

But then again, it's just repeating some adjectives there.***

point culture - proximity

Note for you: this will be a boring  post without drama, but it'll be useful, I try not to be racist, but I'm just saying.

I don't know if anyone notice, but it seems Anglo-Saxon people have their personal-space-thing relative to the rest of European people (French, Spanish, Portuguese). The French has bises and bisous (double cheek kisses), the Croatian has the hug then cheek kisses, some other race might pull and hold your hands during conversation, but not for the Anglo-Saxon. Some handshake may be a bit weird let alone hug and kisses. This may be a good thing if you have a crush on a boy who happen to be an Anglo-Saxon (or grew up in their society). It is easier to notice if he likes you back, because he definitely will drop that personal-space and reduce his proximity towards you. This is how I noticed that B liked me at the first time (despite the fact we grow distant at the moment). From just talking to handshake to always hug before I leave to kiss on my cheek when no one notice. Another example is our French friend, he can talk with his face just about 30 cm infront of AB's face and I was laughing at them. AB had to raise his tea cup to create a barrier between their faces and pretend to drink till our French friend give back his personal-space. It seems a bit weird considering AB is Croatian, but probably because he grew up in Anglo-Saxon society (except at home).

Just my personal thing: I don't like when sitting in public transport at off peak period, and then someone hop on and sit next to me. C'mon, of all available seats why should you sit next to me? Or of all available car space on the floor, why should you park next to my car, I am trying to get the space cushion here b!tch.

The proximity rules not only happen with their gestures and body language. It span to pretty much anything in their daily life. That's include the way they queue in supermarket checkout, even down to the way they park their car on parallel parking. The Anglo-Saxon will give a wide gap, as you can see in most Australian street parking, but not the French, especially if you're a Parisien where parking spot is very valuable over there, they will do fifteen backward and forward to do parallel parking and do that "bumper to bumper touch" in the process so they can fit their car in. You may sometimes see some argument between Parisien and other race for having that fifteen times bumper touch.

Other example is phone. In logic they may not be busy after exam and work is the only thing they worry about after exam. But guess what, they will not answer your phone now whilst during exam they have time to message you. That's because after sealing themselves in solitude during exam, lonely, hence have time to message you on every tiny break, but now they have time to catch up with friends. Unlike Asians (especially indo people with black berry, i despise your BBM) they have respect with their friend's time, they don't answer phone when hanging out with friends, they don't type on their BBM which resulting ignoring the person in front of them, that's a big no no for them. So if you're dating an Anglo-Saxon, they don't reply/answer your MSG/call, just be patient, they tend to send you short message. Still no reply after few days, get a replacement, X(

PS: French car should be made of bubble wrap on their bumpers***