my coffee name

Early morning, I ran to my building in the rain. Gah of all day why must b today I forgot my umbrella. "ding ding" AB message me for coffee, "keen for coffee M? I haven't seen you since last week". Hmm, I kinda need coffee anyway, and wonder what's his story after last weekend after that guy trying to chase him. And it's not long ago that he came out to me. "sure, tho I'd rather to have the barista than the coffee, I'll be a minute, still running to my office, and bring your umbrella, it's pouring rain" I replied whilst I made stop on one of building canopy. "ok, I'll see you in your office then".

At the coffee shop
M: "one cappuccino in take away cup please"
R: "that'd be $3.40, and your name please" (the register key in to his machine)
M: "******"
R: "excuse me?"
M: "******"
R: "nevermind, I'll call you Zach"
M: "yah, why not"
AB: "did he just gave you a name?"
M: "I think I should have an English name"
AB: "but he can't just do that"
M: "I don't mind, I kinda like it, it'll be my coffee name till I convince that my name is Zach, it's just nowhere close to M"
AB: "ah well, if you like it"

Yay yay, at least I got one name to consider.***

love without return policy

Love is something that one make and then given. You don't buy it. Once you've had it, it probably hard to get out and get over it. I am trying to figure out what went wrong this time. I didn't even want it to begin, I have been guarding my feeling, but apparently I failed. I fall but then he (stop) wouldn't catch me. I hit rock bottom once more. There's no stopping to it. I crashed. He shouldn't have given me the love where I tried to protect myself as hard. If only it comes with return policy, I would have returned it. Because I never wanted it, and I want to unsubscribe from it. How? If only I knew the answer.

This time, I thought I gave myself another chance, but I don't want label to it. Label isn't something that useful for me. All I want is the person, and I don't care what people will label us. I really wish this one would work out well, I thought I have found the click with him. But probably he hasn't found the click with me, or maybe the click that he thought was there somehow dissipates. hmm... I am not even sure what am I ranting anymore now. Lacking of focus, bed time maybe.

PS: to he who has stole my heart, please don't return it to me, it doesn't have return policy with it, and if you change your mind, there's no refund.***

[source]

that click

Hey M, you're such a sweet person. Hey M, you're very loving. Hey M, you look nice. I've heard a lot of good treat about myself been told by the guys I dated, or from close friends around me, even from my ex boyfriend after the break up. But, why isn't there any guys I've dated actually working out. Even with J, he decided to leave me for another man. And things doesn't seem to work out well with B tho at the beginning he was so warm, and now he seems to be slipping away from me. All the good treat I have, all the loving and caring and the giving I did to every guys I dated, they're meaningless because I am missing one important piece that glued everything together. THE CLICK to fit into the puzzle.

It's that "click". The sound of "click" like you insert your key to your door and turn it to unlock the door. The sound of "click" when things seems to work just how you want it. The "click" when you pull down that switch on the lamp on the ceiling and suddenly the darkness become so bright and you can see everything, clearly. I need to find that "click". Now, where's my glass of white wine.

PS: may be that's why key in French is la clé sounds like "click"

my middle finger

Dragging myself to work, even worse than usual. Morning feels heavier with cold wind striking in, well it's only few more days till winter. But most of all the heavy weight on my chest, I just wanna get rid off it as quick as I can then move on again with life like I used to. A happy single life. Life has treated me in a very strange way. I wonder why do I get hurt the most by the people I least expected, constantly.

It has been a few days since that post gym conversation outside the courtyard downstairs. I am trying to pull myself together again once more. I feel like answering every question with my middle finger since then. I have been ignoring his messages and only replied with short words. It's painful enough what he said last time and now he's messaging and talking as he never said anything hurtful to me, ah people. If it's too often, it can't be them right? so what is wrong with me?

Today, it's one of those days when I answer every question with my middle finger...

Filling up my days with dense activity for today, Work, French, then I met Steve for dinner after class. Steve is an old friend from uni. We're doing different degree, but he's gay and indo, so we've became good friends when we found some similar issues in life. I haven't seen him for months, time to get some juicy stories out of him :D . At least it'll keep my mind off stuffs. Gah, I just want this to get over with.

On the side note, one of my biggest crush just came out of the closet to me today, just before we heads out for coffee. At least something good happen, but I'm not his type as usual. And he agrees about the barista.***

meeting the big mouth

Hahaha, OMG OMG OMG, I finally met other blogger in person. So Danny and his friend are having holiday here in Australia. I finally get a chance to greet him in person. It's more like I am using him as my practice for my blind date [I'll blog that on separate post] hahaha, learning how to break the ice. I was late as I suppose to meet him at 1, but only leave home at 1pm. Blame it to Ben's car for having a fuse blew up so it took me 45 minutes to trace every single fuse system.

Meeting them at their hotel across the street of QVB, we went for Korean food lunch madang on Pitt street. It was so filling, the food I mean. From there we wander around the Pitt street [korean town side] then ended up me getting my cleanser. I need this particular product for dealing with my pimple. From the I took them to have max brenner. We gossip a lot, hahaha, surprisingly Danny isn't as chatty as his blog posts (no offense Danny). When we parted, he gave me this present, a nice robot lamp ceramics from salt and pepper. Thanks Danny, muach...

I can always have more new friends. There's no limit to it.***

how blind is blind?

C: "M, are you interested for a blind date?"
M: "are you freaking serious?" [sceptical tone]
C: "I am serious"
M: "alright, how blind is blind? color blind, one eye patched blind, any other blind?"
C: "well, he works for travel agent, he's 40..."
M: "say what?"
C: "he's hot, trust me"
M: "hold that thought, I have to send you something to your phone"

"[ding ding...!!!]"

C: "STALKER.....!!!"
M: "yap, I just did that, crossed the main walkway, enter the renewable energy building, order coffee and ohlala take picture of the new barista, I am not skilful in taking person's pic without getting notice, so fuzzy"
C: "M, you shall not touch him"
M: "but he's so damn sexy, lean athletic, nice biceps, cute face, thin lips, spanish, hot barista, I can even see thru his shirts what's like behind it"
C: "so how about the blind date?"
M: "maybe I should intro myself to him, can you fedex me that hottie barista please? I don't care the taste of the coffee but he looks yummy"
C: "M, focus...!"
M: "err... can I think about it first tonite?"
C: "OK then, we'll talk about it tomorrow over lunch?"
M: "Kay, I have to go meeting with your boss, au revoir sweetie"
..... hung up the phone

Blind date? a 40 something years old guy for me? I am a bit sceptical with it. Well, I know she has very good taste. Even her previous bf is not my type, I have to admit he is super cute. I don't think she'll steer me to a wrong side of the road. But the age? errr... wouldn't that make him look paedophile? I might give it a try, a sugar daddy? OMG I sounds like below desperation threshold now. I need holiday, I got the over balance leave, but no budget.

my story

Scrolling my posts and found this, it was something I drafted while waiting in the airport in February! But my laptop ran flat of battery hence it ended up in draft. I thought it is worth finishing and posting it.

----

04.02.12. At the airport, again. It was 16 months ago the last time I see mum. And today, here I am, in the airport again, departing to see mum. I have been running away from family for [I lost count the years by now], well more like from reality. I was so tired playing multiple role figure in the family after the complex relationship between mom and dad. After things gone better, I decided to pack my bag and leave. This is one of my runaway story.

two dollars [source]

When I got the scholarship announced, I used up all my savings to get my one way ticket, filling up my rucksack with cheap pasar malam clothings as long as I could survive, and there I was left with 500AUD cash in my pocket. Mum thinks it was a daring move, but I said goodbye to mum and flew away. "There's a problem with your scholarship administration, so we cannot transfered the fund to your bank account for coming 4 weeks", the coordinator for scholarship broke the bad news. Sigh, how am I gonna survive with AUD500 for four weeks include paying rents, bills, food, and transport (I can abandon phone I guess)? I asked to myself.

But I did it, haha... I survived because my classmate saved me when he overheard my conversation with the scholarship coordinator, we stayed together and that first month I only pay rent and owe him the bond money. He covered my bond money until I got the scholarship transfered to my account. My rent back then cost $100 per week, leaving me with $100 to live for coming 28 days. I bought a $1.98 white bread and nutella for my breakfast, I piled up one box of Indomee (40 packs), dozens of eggs, one bag of cheapest 2 kg rice I could get, and only take a bus going to uni (dun wanna b late; travel 10 cost $14 for concession) and walk home at the end of the day more like after 9 pm. So yah, I lived that living under $2 per day for whole four weeks. Oh there's one time I actually owe to the restaurant owner a lunch money, because I couldn't afford it. The owner is a couple indo-malay husband-wife, I paid them back the $$ I owe them when I got the fund transferred.

Weeks after that I started to get busy with uni life. It works out quiet well, I got part time job, and work for some professors for their consulting work$ [extra ca$h] and during low consulting seasons, I work for RTA's contractors by counting how many cars passing by intersection or turning (lef or right). It was interesting job, I even got picked up a few times when sitting on the corner of the road with my safety vest on which confused my housemate. As for personal life I tried to be straight. No, I wasn't confused. I know I am different since I was six years old, but with the fucked up family I don't even know what's normal family like. Growing up in the culture where male having ear pierced is a serious bad sin, I had that thought my family would not love me if I am gay. But it just doesn't work. To the point that, Fuck this...!, I dun care about the world anymore, I am gay and I am who I am. I then start cutting myself off from my family.

I hardly call mum even until now. It's just because that means I had to talk to dad and bro as well and they always demand more things from me, I had to listen to mum's whining everyday, and listen to my older brother's never ending problem. I'm just tired of those, I have my life too. Besides, I still can't manage to bring myself to tell mum that I am gay which means I still have to avoid those questions "when are you going to introduce a girl to us?". I don't think she knows me well but I know her like the back of my hands. And yes, I've been on the run.

I always wanted mum and bro ask me question like "are you happier there?" instead of "it is forbidden to wear earring" [wait until I wear men as my accessories] or "can I have some money?" or "when are you coming home?". No, I don't wanna go back, I was never happy there and no one care about it. ***

my teeth journey

tooth picnic [source]

If only human have teeth like shark, continuously shed their teeth as new one grows behind it, then there will be no job for dentists [no offence for dentists]. I don't have sweet tooth, I don't even put sugar in my tea/coffee, I like creamy food but as long as they are half sugar. But I have tooth problem. My dental treatment journey finally come to an end today. It all began in December 2010 when I decided to start the treatment. J was there for me going thru some of those procedures but he has to leave at some point. It is something that should have been done when I was teenager, but mum could not afford paying dentist, so she sent me to a free dentist where dad's workplace covers pretty much basic dental treatment. Even so, I cannot see their dentist any more after I turned 18.

Things gotten worse as I aged, and then I decided to see the ortho-surgeon near where I live. My dentist, Michael, he took several X-Rays on my jaws. The verdict was what's the previous dentist had done was not right and he skipped a few important steps and I better get them treated now instead causing more trouble in decades to come. Michael and I sit together going thru my jaw images, and he explained what's wrong and how to deal with it. We then schedule a set of procedures in sequences and projecting how much will it cost me (before my private health insurance covers for worst case scenario). At least I had money for the rainy days since I work and save.

Seven gum surgeries, three canals on one tooth in 12 appointments. the canals had to wait as the surgeries are considered to be a more pressing issues and they will require substantial healing time. The first 6 months since the first surgery began, I had four gum and root surgeries. They didn't show any good healing progress that the rest of procedures had to wait. The following three procedures gradually done in one year stretch then the canal procedures finally started last month after long wait for the roots and gum to heals. And today, Finally the whole long daunting dental procedure journey come to an end. I will only see him on six monthly period for cleaning and check up. Hopefully these teeth will sit properly on my jaw and not running around even tilting upside down and be settle. Cross fingers...

Not that I wanna eat them, but this pokemon cupcake is too cute... LOL

[source]

tak-halal

It may be very sensitive issue for some but it's my blog, I can just write my thought here. Kevin's post reminds me of this eventful moment. This post will heat up some group of people [you have been warned]. But anyway, Dee's friend let's call him A had his old friend B paid him a visit here in Sydney.

Backgrounds : A is Indo, a medical worker studied in Melbourne many years ago and currently working in one of Sydney's hospital and B has been living in Indo and never step out of the country with his moslem skill [stereo typical] of preaching [bear in mind, I said stereotypical].

A : "Can I have the crispy pork belly and rice please"
B : "Can I just have ... [you put halal food here]"
W : [taking notes]
A : "So, how have you been doing?"
B : "You're still Moslem right?"
A : [bitch stare, and pull out his wallet, put his national ID on table]
A : "Oh yes Alhamdulillah I still am a Moslem, here's what it sez on the card"

..... "hahahaha..." I was laughing out loud with his action. "Let me finish", she said.

B : "then why did you order pork?"
A : "oh, you FUCK your girl friend right? as in doing sex and penetration"
B : "that's different"
A : "oh yah? how?"
B : "you eat something forbidden"
A : "oh, spare me from your preach, I eat pork, I got fat, so what?"
A : " you fuck your NOT HALAL girl friend, you should get rajam 100 times what?"
B : "this is totally different"
A : "of course it's different, we both do sins, I got punishment by getting fat, you walk away from 100 rajam, the difference is you preached whilst I don't"

 ...... "stop stop stop, this makes what I been doing is not a sin, because I only fuck with guys, and I am a guy, halal what?",  my usual sarcasm kicked in. But the way this guy preaches Dee's friend whilst he's doing a sin himself and saying that is different by putting himself better than others. It's simply hypocrite. I maybe a sinner, but I don't preach people and telling them that they are bad. I don't give a damn shit about people's relationship with their God, it is totally their own business, just keep that away from me and be a nice person with me, can?***

banana autocorrect me

Finally, I went to watch the avengers, after I ask the people whom I thought would consider me to go watch movie with. Yes, that's you Seb, Ben, Al, AP, AA, zzz... Finally I got a bunch of Uni friends who haven't watched it yet. Yes yes, Chris Evans is hot, but I dun mind to get Chris Hemsworth (Thor, Chanel 7 home and away) still a hottie XD.

On the side note, the reason to write this post actually. I say no more, this iphone autocorrect can be annoying but can throw me into a lame joke at the same time. I need to find a way to get this phone to get along with me in sending messages.