random act of kindness

The other night I went out to city to meet my broker and sign up some papers. I can't do it during business because I have my outlook full chock-a-block with several commitment, besides it would be easier for him as well so he can attend other clients during business hours. I met him at Starbucks cafe at haymarket as we usually have post dinner discussion over there. Pages after pages, reading these contracts can be really daunting. In no time, my hands started to get fill up with different papers of terms and conditions etc. Then at the end I signed the papers and collate my part and his part and packed up as the nights is getting late.

The following morning as I was getting ready to go to work. Shush... I can't find my wallet...!!! I swore at myself. I rang Al as he left early to see my mechanic for his car maintenance, he said he didn't see my wallet. I thought that living in big city like Sydney, I must be very careful. First thing that came into mind is that my bank cards security has been compromised. I cancelled all my cards within 10 minutes and I decided to drive to work anyway without wallet. Probably not a good idea as I don't have drivers license with me.

I goggled the phone number of the coffee shop and decided to ring them see if they see my wallet at all. To my relief, one of the cleaner found my wallet and the management kept it for me. They couldn't contact me because I don't have phone number in it but I confirmed my home address as stated on my ID's. I drove there during lunch time, make a dash and I'm glad that everything stays intact except for my license as they probably try to findout the owner of this pretty wallet.

I guess good thing are bound to happen. Although I don't really trust people after seeing what's on the news, but whenever I found phones, wallet, keys at random places like gym, parking lot, library, and I always made sure that these items goes back to the rightful owner. And this time is my turn... It has restored my trust with humanity.***

Settling it less for more

I wouldn't say life is fair. But oddly enough sometimes I find it strange that guys with good look, nice in the eye but pain in the arse, whilst guys with less good look are just fine in the eyes and wonderful in their heart. Name it skinny bitch or fat jolly, you cannot be fat bitch, no one gonna like it.

I admit that I have been quiet shallow with my choices of boys. There's a specific look that I after from the boys for me to date. Chloe always said, good looking people [generally] trying to find other people that are better looking than themselves so you'll be just as good as a stepping stone. Then I pointed at myself. "Babe, we are probably just an exceptions, we just not into weird boys". But then again by being shallow, probably the very reason why I am still single and also the fact that I am actually enjoying the single life and the dates that I can go with.

A few months ago I dated this boy, I'd say just at the limit of someone I can date with. Yes I know I am such a douche. But anyway, I thought that'd be one of those one date and I can disappear as usual. As strange as it is, he's been so persistence to meet me more. Forget about his look, but he's probably the nicest guy I have ever met. He's willing to go above and beyond, he'll fly, he'll drive, he'll cook, he walk the dog with me, he teach me how to tame my dog, a very broad knowledge for the kind of job he has, and a world traveller too. Everything just started to etch me away. It scares me sometimes that I simply switch off everything [phone, mail, skype, facebook, etc] so I don't have to have a conversation with him for the entire day. But it just didn't stop him.

Shall I just settle it with this guy instead? I mean he's really nice loving and caring, but there's something still holding me back to give myself away. I am not sure what it is, it gives me sleepless nights. Could it be because I still haven't sexually attracted to him, or I still love my freedom being single, or maybe I still have a baggage that I still haven't unpacked yet. If I do settle it with him, I know I will be well taken care of, but it is unfair the fact that I am unable to give him back equally. WHat to do...***

"L" word

love |ləv|nounan intense feeling of deep affection
verb [ with obj. ]feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone)
It is such a powerful word. But for an odd reason, I still unable to use the word. I haven't used it for a very long time. I never said it to mum. I still unable to use the word to my past few dates. Even one of my dates been using the word several times in every phone calls and when we said good bye at the end of the dates. I still couldn't say it back to him.

I have been avoiding to use the word. I don't wanna mis-use it either. I'd rather to show how I feel in my action instead of putting it in words. Or maybe I am just not ready to use the word. It could be that I am just happy being alone. I finally found my own rhythm and rhyme well with my single life. I enjoy it. In fact, I accomplished a lot more being single. Maybe because all of decision I made only need myself to consult with. Therefore I have been moving in the right track. Yes I discuss options with friends, but ultimately I go with whichever my gut feel say.

Whether I am ready to have a new partner or not, or I am just too scared and the word just doesn't grow in me. The fact is, I still cannot say the word. I need to learn more, or maybe meet a person who can gives the courage to say it.***

Politically incorrect, go away drunk boy...!

My housemate has been bringing few dates home lately. It really doesn't concerns me as long as he's happy and not affect my life. I am fine with that, besides, sometimes I brought boys home too. But one night, we both happened to bring boy home and things getting hmmm... how should I say, awkward.

Honestly I kinda find his boy is cute. Yes, it's just a thought that I kept in my head. The third time this boy visit, my housemate does not seem very happy about it because the boy is total drunk. Eighteen bottles of beer in a span of 3 hours during working night is just not cool. Especially when we have to wake up early to go to work on the following morning. When he's half sober [I never seen him fully sober so far], he's quite intelligent as we always have argumentative discussion over current politics [and election], science, books, even to Galileo and his daring books that brought him to trial prior to inquisitions. But when he's drunk, I am not sure if he can find his way to the toilet.

Back to his third visit, he was drunk. My housemate won't speak to him and I happened to be doing my Tuesday night ritual [family guy-american dad show] and he ended up sitting next to me in living room. after his 12 bottles of beer he started to turn sleazy. Yes he's cute, Australian-born-British, blonde, the type that I like and we have common interest. "Aaaaargh...!!!" as much as I wanna let him to do me, I know this is totally wrong. It's hard for me to resist myself from the temptation especially when he started to molest me. Terrible in kissing [probably because he's drunk], and he has put his hand like everywhere despite I try to refuse him all the time he still manage to find his way under my pyjamas.

"That's it, NO...!", I exclaim. "but why...?", he beg. "This is politically incorrect, and of all people you should know this better, you're my house-mate's date and I don't know why don't you just hop on to him instead of trying to put your hands in my pants, and I choose to keep my friendship over you". I decided to snuggle to Al's bed to make a drunk boy to sleep with him as I know he will follow anyway. I waited till both of them snores and I sneak back to my bed. Sigh, this is just one of the many drama I have to experience with boys lately. Ah, such a shame I didn't know this boy first. And why do I always get trapped in such situation.***

Parents, they think they're at fault

It has been a while since I post anything here. My life is getting busier with work. I need my lazy weekend back, and just for the sake of doing nothing. Few boys been in and out some are not working out, others just meh... But I trully enjoy being single in the past few months. It really makes me focus in life better and sort my priority right and I have been making strategic decisions in life too.

Two months living with Al, seems everything went well so far. I even met his entire family. Obviously they don't know the fact that I am gay, otherwise I would have to move house again. Fact that they knew Al is gay, and they are in denial. During 10 days of their stay with us, I always sat with his mum for breakfast and dinner [everyone obviously fall in Indo time zone, even Al]. It's strange that his mum seems to get along well with me. She told me how Al grew up without parents after Jakarta riot in late 90's and she decided to evacuate all of her children to Singapore. It seems that she blame herself for not being around and how she can't really advise him to go back home and how Al turned gay [her version] although she did not say it out loud for the later part.

I really don't know what to say to stop her from blaming herself. But then again, it maybe just the nature of being parents. Whenever they see their children off track [to their perspective], they think they are to blame. Yes, maybe when it has something to do with things that are morally wrong such as cutting the queue line, or stealing other's rights, or anything else that harm the society, then clearly the parents hasn't done enough in educating their children. But what about the way of life or career of choice or even where one's want to live. Parents are not to blame nor to blame themselves. And being gay is neither a choice, but typical Asian parents are still in denial. All in all, we can only do so much with what we have.***

pathetic

Sometimes I wonder why [certain] people around me trying so hard to convince me that I will not be able to do something that I believe I can accomplish it. Despite the fact that I have a detail calculation, steps and strategy how to accomplish it and I know that I will be able to achieve that goal for sure. But some, just kept trying to convince me [without solid proof] that I will not make it.

Once, I'll just brush it off like a lint from my black shirt. But repeatedly? It really bothers me. Outside I'll be as cheerful as I can be, but some nights I will sit on the corner of my bedroom wondering why would people do such things instead of supporting me. But then I snap myself up, who else is going to believe in me but myself. Y would say, "what others say to you is usually what reflects about themselves". She has a point in that sense, historically I proof them wrong about me and I proof that they are the ones who are unable to achieve goals that I accomplished.

So I shall never forget, that I must not underestimate my own ability to achieve my goal. I am the one who knows what I am capable of, and I will believe in myself. Life without goal and ambition isn't worth living. Besides, those certain people are just simply... pathetic.

Move my nest

Yay, finally moved house....

As I typed this post, I just managed to make my bed, still a lot to unpack but at least I have my Internet, power, TV, lounge, dining, fridge, and finally bed (not completed, but I can climb and sleep on it). Still missing out (misplaced) a lot of stuffs. I can't even find my hair dryer. But meh, been raining in the past 12 days non stop that my removalist complained how slippery it was to carry my furnitures.

After nesting in the old place for the past 7 years, I braved myself to move out. I don't wanna feel so attached to it. Ideally, I wanna live in different places and see how it feels.q maybe I should start selling my stuffs from now on. I'm gonna miss my old place, but at least I know the people who live there now, so I can always come back occasionally.

Things that I will miss:
1. The big floor to ceiling window (and the rainbow)
2. The big balcony
3. The birds
4. The vast living room where I can invite people over
5. The double carapace
6. The friendly neighbor

Things that I will not miss
1. That god damn slow elevator
2. That intercom which is nonsense
3. The smoke alarm which constantly beeping
4. The leak on the window
5. The layout that is not thoughtful (must be a beginner architect)
6. The occasional moment when I got trapped in the elevator

tired

Raining again, I am not sure how to get stuffs for work from store across the road in this heavy rain. I have been drowning myself with work. I used to start at 8 am and leave work at 4 pm no matter what. But something bothered me, and what's disturbing is the fact that I fail to pointed at what. I been trying to shake it off, but seems futile. Hence, I drown myself with work. I start at 8 am but finished at 6 and often 8 pm. I'm not sure what it is, but I feel so lonely for no reason. I am not complaining about being single, but even hanging out with friends is rather an impossible mission.

Packing is half way done, I can't pack any more because what left to pack are the stuffs I will need to use in coming 2.5 weeks anyway. Moving house is tedious, after 7 years living in this house since I was study and have gap year and finally got myself a job. I made a lot of memories in this place. I decided to move but I feel nervous now. What if I don't like sharing house with Al. But it will be first change after my stagnant  life.***

lost in time

One of those random conversation with a work colleague when he said, "Rick's American restoration is getting interesting now." "Oh Shit, I must have missed it last night, that show is only on Monday night", I commented. He frown "errr... today is Monday". Damn, it's one of those moment when I actually lost count on dates and forgot what day is today. I guess that's what would happen if I were too busy that even weekend felt like Monday already.

The good thing is, fact that I lost time means I have been having productive times. Hence, I forget all the sad things in life that even Mom complained fact that I haven't called her in a while. Or other friends that I haven't managed in contact with, or catch up with. I even forgot that I was supposed to meet people for dinner. No new boys, well I think every guys who tried to get to know me has fallen into my friend-zone instead.

So, today is Monday, can Friday be here now please... :D I really need extra day between Saturday and Sunday. And I still look forward to Rick's show. One day I am gonna pull out that old tractor from the 60's in B2's dad shed and fix it, polish it, make it a shiny classic machinery back to life. If that opportunity ever come.***

Expired

It's interesting that by law everything has expiry date these days. Despite fact that honey is probably one of consumable [edible] item that has no expiry date, but they manufacturer is still required to put expiry date on it. Even adhesive strips first aid comes with expiration date now.

But wait, what am I talking about again? Oh right, I was about to correlate with relationship [partner/friendship] expiry date. I suppose my friendship with D has expired long time ago. The moment she finally got a new bf, she changed totally into different person. The fact that they both are really ignorant people is probably one of the things that drove me away from them and declare [to myself] that this is obsolete by now.

As much as I wanna keep things in status quo, ther're things that are beyond my control. Part of me wanted her to improve, part of me feeling sceptical about it, and another part of me [undeniably] feel glad that she got evicted from this country. Things happened for a reason, and I need some changes in life, and it has to be a good one. Things started changing at a faster pace than I thought. I will be moving with Al in a month time and then move again around Christmas [hopefully].

what meal to get me the most like?

I was not so sure why did I always find it irritating when a friend stopping me from digging my own food in a restaurant for the sake of them taking picture of my food. They have their own, and I have no problem they take a picture of their own food and posting it on social media. But bitch please, don't stop me from eating.

I can fully understand if you're a chef, taking pictures of your own creation and post it share it and be proud of it. I wish I have your skills chefs, no, really, I'd love to be able to cook better.

But after reading this article. I kinda understand why I got so irritated now. Food has become the important thing and they placed the people whom they share the moment become very UNIMPORTANT. It seems for those who excessively taking pictures of their food and post it on social media, are obsessed about their food. Had food has genital organ, these people would probably had sex with their food.

I know it is up to them, and none of my business. But seriously, don't disturb my dining moment. Go away and get your own. ***

It's OK to be me

I stumbled on this suggested post on Facebook. It's a reminder how I react towards my depression when I was kid. It was unpleasant and no body knows about it. I knew I was different since I was six or seven years old. I standout of the crowd and for them it is unpleasant. I didn't know what was wrong nor why am I different. But I'm glad I passed that phase and be myself now.

let's never fight again

Dear blog, I have been ignoring you for quiet sometime. Let's never fight again. I have been busy with work these days and trying to save $$$ too. Busy with work makes me feel better mostly, but annoyed at times to a point where I questioned myself "WTF just happened...!". Seeing Y's pictures and postcards she sent me, made me wanna go for travel again. At least four of my friends went to Switzerland and various part of Europe in the last three weeks alone. I'm so itchy that I dug out my passport and wonder when can I go again and how much should I save this time.

This October and have double autumn, or next April and have double spring? Living down under whilst the earth majority land are over the northern hemisphere can confuse my weather. Still can't decide. ***

coincidence

I have been abandoned this blog for ages. Trying to face my own predicament since I came back. The solo trip gave me a different perspective, tho as soon as I landed in Sydney, things went back. I've been feeling so depressed in the past month for no apparent reason. I didn't do much with sight seeing with the trip, but I met unexpected people along the journey in unexpected places.

I met a friend from Sydney in the middle of crowd in Hong Kong Central station. I met an Ozie guy who works in Hong Kong's local bar who happened to be B2's friend. I made friend with American guy who work in Korea and still in contact with him until two days ago, his last text only saying "I don't wanna go!" [back to US}. I met B2's crush [in undergrad] in night club in itaewon out of the blue. I met a guy who was once dissapear from me out of the blue as I made my way out in Singapore Airport gate. Wherever I go, I can't really getaway from my own world can I? I don't know if it was a good thing or bad thing.***

nomad

minutes before landing in denpasar

I am nomad once more. Well, by the time I wrote this log, I have had eights connecting flights already. This is the second overseas backpacking I made in less than 3.5 months. Too much? Maybe for some. I have to scrap the plan to go rio carnival with CJ. I waited too long that I couldn't get accommodation during the festival. Ah well, on the bright side, I can visit mum instead. At this stage, I think I begin to have the dictionary that translate to whatever she says only means "son, I love you too" or "I'm just concern" or "I just want you to be happy". It's just the way we express it or perceived them in different way.

damn you coconut

I didn't really do much at home but helping to proof read my brother's thesis. He's lazy ass when it comes down to writing that reminds me we wrote our undergrad thesis together. I proof read his as well as my own. Glad that I can help at least. I don't wanna complain but just suck it up. It's life.

Apart from that, I helped my brother and mum to clean up graves. Just three of us. Started from dad's then all my grandparents. Dad's and Grandma's grave seems still fresh, the wood sign has gone eaten by termite but mom says we cannot put stone until a thousand days. Not sure why, it seems that I'm the only one who doesn't understand the tradition. Of all people, I should know since I travel really well.

old pics with mum

I tried to climb the shortest coconut tree because I want the water in it. Refreshing because for whatever reason the water is cooler than what we have in the house.

I left mum and give her a big hug before I flew. She seems to get used to with me not around then dad then my brother. One tough job I guess.***

New Chapter

So, I am single and available now [This is not an advertisement for everyone's record]. Time to move on, I started to filter out who are my true friends and I intend to keep them. I removed over than 200 people from my Facebook account and I think the number [of people I remove] will keep expanding. I found B2 is a bit cold since two days after new year, something has definitely happened I just don't know what. I hope things are alright.

In th mean time, I have this gut feeling that something is not right but what's disturbing is I don't know what it is as it could be anything. I usually have a really sharp senses with these kind of thing. I messaged mom and she sounds alright, I am not sure if it has something to do with work, but it could be something else. What I'm afraid is, what if it is something really important.

On the side note, HR forced me to take a month worth of leave by the end of February. I don't even have a solid plan. For once I'm lost as to where do I wanna go this time and the clock is ticking. I randomly choose the date which is in less than 10 days now. Initially I was thinking of Korea [and around] or USA-South America, but when CJ contacted the hotel, they're out of bed and I don't wanna be in Brazil by myself without friend. My Brazilian friend suggested me not to travel alone over there. She has a point tho, not to be afraid, but to be prudent. Totally two different things. Uh Oh, what to do what to do... :(. Well at least I get to start the new chapter by traveling. Potentially solo, and it will gives me some alone time for a bit and see the world again with a better perspective. Ah that's it, time, it is gonna put everything back to perspective.

giant rubber ducky is attacking Darling Harbour :D

closing chapter

I started this blog jus a little bit over than a year, over 45000 hits, I never expected that. The very reason I started this blog is that I needed something to do with my break up and pour my story or sometimes with just photos here, for the sake that I don't wanna burden people with my problem and I still have a place to channel it.

I made a few trips, meeting people, tried to date a few guys hoping that there is someone out there for me, none of them working out. Feeling down and thinking that this is not fair. I went to a point that I tried to accept the fact and thought that I am probably destined to be alone. But I can see it clearer now. I was the real problem.

No, wait...! that's not right. rephrase. The way I tackled [failing] relationship was the real culprit. Danny may say "you should love yourself more before you love your partner" because when that special someone leave, you still can move on easily. Y may say "never build your life around someone else", because when that speical someone leave, your life will be hollow and easy to break. But I think it's combined of both. Live life on the edge. Build life solid for yourself. Keep some part for special someone to grasp, and some part for friends and family to hold on to. Love yourself but also love others. Treat people the way you want them to treat you.

It must have been difficult too for J when he realised that his feeling towards me changed over time and shifted to someone else instead. I would probably don't know what to do if I were in his shoes. Trying to break up with me when we had no fundamental issue. We didn't build our life around each other, I have mine and he has his. When the feeling is gone I guess it's gone and I couldn't deal with it at the same pace, the balance has tipped. I don't know the reason why B choose to lie to me, but clearly he has fear that I will leave him. The reality is I left as soon as I found out that he's been lying to me. Had I learnt the truth earlier, things may be different but now I can't even be bothered to be friends with him, not worth it. Lesson I learnt, I didn't build my life around him, I love myself more, I still hang out with my friends, I dealt with it within a week. If dealing with failed relationship is a job, I deserve a bonus this time.

Closing this chapter, probably I was ready a few months ago, that's when I started to write less here and have a deep conversation with myself instead. I am ready for whatever next that comes my way. I will still compromise. Keeping everybody happy is impossible, so some of them will just have to deal with it. But one thing I know, I wanna be surrounded by the people who love me.

Casts [in alphabetical order]
AA- uni friend
AB - Chloe's twin brother
Al - the neighbor
AP - ex housemate
B - mr doctor
B2 - another boy
Chloe - work colleague
CJ - gay friend
Dee - housemate
J - the ex bf
JL, JN - uni friends
Seb - gay best friend
Y - best friend
***